This time of year always makes me think of my dad mostly because he always made the main dishes on the holidays. This February marks the third anniversary of my fathers death, 2 Christmas', 2 thanksgivings, 2 birthdays, and 1 baby...when you're around someone your entire life you expect them to be there forever. So when Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays and other life changing events happen and they're not there it makes even the smallest things bitter sweet. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of Jason's mothers death, 1 Thanksgiving, 1 Christmas, 1 birthday and 1 baby. My heart aches for him so much I start crying every time he gets sad about it...I cry because 1 thanksgiving, 1 Christmas, 1 birthday and 1 baby ago it was my first Thanksgiving without him and my first Christmas without him and my first birthday without him...I know how I felt and it's crushing to think that someone I have so much love for has those similar feelings. I wouldn't wish the loss of a parent on the most evil person on this earth. It's an ache you can't begin to pretend to understand..because honestly even a person the same age as me could lose a parent and grieve completely differently. But if you've never lost a parent, please don't tell me you know how I feel. I'm not just speaking for myself about this, it's the truth EVERYONE grieves differently. So if you know someone who is grieving please try to understand that sometimes even they don't know what they need, sometimes it's just knowing that someone is there to talk just in case.
Lately I've been thinking about how Jason and I met and all I can think is it was meant to be. Yes I believe in fate, more so in the way that everything happens for a reason. When I was 17 my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, I felt like my world was crashing around me. My dad and his fiancé decided the best place to treat it would be Arizona. Seeing as I was only 17 I tagged along...with a basic plan of leaving the day I turned 18 (basic teenage reasons) In fact I had a plane ticket for August 30th but I met a guy 12 days earlier and thought he was worth staying not to mention the conversations I had with my dad in the days leading up to my birthday. One that sticks in my mind is my dad warning me that if I left it might be the last time I'd see him alive, but along with that he told me he wanted me to be happy and if that meant going away then I should. He was so selfless. Anyways back to the fate...I got with that guy, who turned out to be a complete asshat, ended up pregnant. In the end of January I lost the baby, a week later I lost my dad and a week after that that asshat kicked me out along with all my stuff. Left me on my step moms front porch. Still decided to stay in Arizona despite the multiple offers from friends and family to leave. I had this feeling that I was supposed to be here and i couldn't leave yet...but months went by and I still didn't see any reason to stay, except that pit in my stomach that said "stay". Then I found another guy to spend my time with, which would've been just fine if my name was "doormat". While I was busy being a doormat I met Jason and our situation was soon that cliche "I wish I could find a good guy", the good guy was there all along and it took me months to realize. Jason didn't just save me from being a doormat, when I met him I was in a dark place fighting my own demons, he may very well have saved my life. And then I got to thinking maybe God placed me in his life to save his life, like he saved mine but that part didn't come until tomorrow one year ago.
So I'll leave you with this question
Do you believe in fate?
Do you believe that coincidence is just God being anonymous? 
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