I found out I was pregnant with twins when I was about 18 weeks. We were thrilled and though the doctor told us that it was now a high risk pregnancy we stayed positive. They said I'd have to come in for weekly ultrasounds and everything looked great for the next couple of weeks...and then they realized baby b (Teagan) wasn't keeping up with baby a (Azalia) and there was some weird things going on with Teagan's blood flow. As the weeks progressed my little Teagan got stronger and stronger each appointment she caught up a little more. We decided to name them when we started having problems with baby b (Teagan Kelly) after my dad (because my dad liked to do things the hard way) and Azalia Dianne after Jason's mom. Then week 26 came along the technician put the ultrasound on the screen and something looked different. She kept moving on and off of Teagan's chest and each time I looked for her heart all I saw was a black hole...there wasn't a beat. The technician left the room and my doctor came in to tell me Teagan past away. I think he was just as shocked as I was because she was doing so well. So at that point I thought okay now what do I have to deliver or what? I asked the doctor and he said she just stays in there until you deliver Azalia. I was so confused I had never heard of anything like this before. I wondered what people saw when they looked at me...did they see a person carrying a dead baby? I began looking for other people with similar situations and didn't find a whole lot on the feeling of carrying a dead baby with a living one. I did see one article that stuck out to me where the mother said she felt glad she was still in there with her sister and with her mother. At the time I was still pregnant and couldn't see why that made her feel good when all I could think about is that I have to deliver this baby and she's dead. I just dreaded the thought. It wasn't until I delivered both of them that it hit me, that I did feel glad that she was in there because that meant I could hold her just a little bit longer. That her sister could be next to her just a little bit longer. And when I had them my heart shattered all over again just like it had 7 weeks earlier when I heard for the first time.
I don't think I've truly experienced such heart ache as I have losing her...and people say at least you got one, yes and she's a blessing and we're so grateful, but there was supposed to be two.
Until next time y'all.
Xoxo -Kate
