Just another day..or is it

I hope everyone's thanksgiving went well, our day was spent relaxing and making memories.

The day after that on the other hand was mostly organized chaos. But most definitely worth every bit of it. We spent Friday at our friends house, Brandon and Beth. Beth and I spent most of the day in the kitchen cooking and baking, while Brandon cooked on the grill...and Jason, well he made memories with Azalia and watched the back of his eyelids, which he is proficient at. ;) 

This time of year always makes me think of my dad mostly because he always made the main dishes on the holidays. This February marks the third anniversary  of my fathers death, 2 Christmas', 2 thanksgivings, 2 birthdays, and 1 baby...when you're around someone your entire life you expect them to be there forever. So when Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays and other life changing events happen and they're not there it makes even the smallest things bitter sweet. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of Jason's mothers death, 1 Thanksgiving, 1 Christmas, 1 birthday and 1 baby. My heart aches for him so much I start crying every time he gets sad about it...I cry because 1 thanksgiving, 1 Christmas, 1 birthday and 1 baby ago it was my first Thanksgiving without him and my first Christmas without him and my first birthday without him...I know how I felt and it's crushing to think that someone I have so much love for has those similar feelings. I wouldn't wish the loss of a parent on the most evil person on this earth. It's an ache you can't begin to pretend to understand..because honestly even a person the same age as me could lose a parent and grieve completely differently. But if you've never lost a parent, please don't tell me you know how I feel. I'm not just speaking for myself about this, it's the truth EVERYONE grieves differently. So if you know someone who is grieving please try to understand that sometimes even they don't know what they need, sometimes it's just knowing that someone is there to talk just in case. 

Lately I've been thinking about how Jason and I met and all I can think is it was meant to be. Yes I believe in fate, more so in the way that everything happens for a reason. When I was 17 my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, I felt like my world was crashing around me. My dad and his fiancé decided the best place to treat it would be Arizona. Seeing as I was only 17 I tagged along...with a basic plan of leaving the day I turned 18 (basic teenage reasons) In fact I had a plane ticket for August 30th but I met a guy 12 days earlier and thought he was worth staying not to mention the conversations I had with my dad in the days leading up to my birthday. One that sticks in my mind is my dad warning me that if I left it might be the last time I'd see him alive, but along with that he told me he wanted me to be happy and if that meant going away then I should. He was so selfless. Anyways back to the fate...I got with that guy, who turned out to be a complete asshat, ended up pregnant. In the end of January I lost the baby, a week later I lost my dad and a week after that that asshat kicked me out along with all my stuff. Left me on my step moms front porch. Still decided to stay in Arizona despite the multiple offers from friends and family to leave. I had this feeling that I was supposed to be here and i couldn't leave yet...but months went by and I still didn't see any reason to stay, except that pit in my stomach that said "stay". Then I found another guy to spend my time with, which would've been just fine if my name was "doormat". While I was busy being a doormat I met Jason and our situation was soon that cliche "I wish I could find a good guy", the good guy was there all along and it took me months to realize. Jason didn't just save me from being a doormat, when I met him I was in a dark place fighting my own demons, he may very well have saved my life. And then I got to thinking maybe God placed me in his life to save his life, like he saved mine but that part didn't come until tomorrow one year ago. 

So I'll leave you with this question 

Do you believe in fate?

Do you believe that coincidence is just God being anonymous? 

Azalia and Teagan

On Monday September 14th 2015 I gave birth to two beautiful girls, one born alive and one born sleeping. It was the most joyous, heart wrenching moment of my life thus far. There's really no way to describe what it feels like to hear one baby crying to needle dropping silence when the other one comes out. I cried tears of joy because I had a breathing crying baby...and moments later I had to face a harsh reality (which I don't think you can prepare yourself for) I just gave birth to two babies...and I only get to take one home? I'll only be bringing one to kindergarten? There was supposed to be two..

I found out I was pregnant with twins when I was about 18 weeks. We were thrilled and though the doctor told us that it was now a high risk pregnancy we stayed positive. They said I'd have to come in for weekly ultrasounds and everything looked great for the next couple of weeks...and then they realized baby b (Teagan) wasn't keeping up with baby a (Azalia) and there was some weird things going on with Teagan's blood flow. As the weeks progressed my little Teagan got stronger and stronger each appointment she caught up a little more. We decided to name them when we started having problems with baby b (Teagan Kelly) after my dad (because my dad liked to do things the hard way) and Azalia Dianne after Jason's mom. Then week 26 came along the technician put the ultrasound on the screen and something looked different. She kept moving on and off of Teagan's chest and each time I looked for her heart all I saw was a black hole...there wasn't a beat. The technician left the room and my doctor came in to tell me Teagan past away. I think he was just as shocked as I was because she was doing so well. So at that point I thought okay now what do I have to deliver or what? I asked the doctor and he said she just stays in there until you deliver Azalia. I was so confused I had never heard of anything like this before. I wondered what people saw when they looked at me...did they see a person carrying a dead baby? I began looking for other people with similar situations and didn't find a whole lot on the feeling of carrying a dead baby with a living one. I did see one article that stuck out to me where the mother said she felt glad she was still in there with her sister and with her mother. At the time I was still pregnant and couldn't see why that made her feel good when all I could think about is that I have to deliver this baby and she's dead. I just dreaded the thought. It wasn't until I delivered both of them that it hit me, that I did feel glad that she was in there because that meant I could hold her just a little bit longer. That her sister could be next to her just a little bit longer. And when I had them my heart shattered all over again just like it had 7 weeks earlier when I heard for the first time. 

I don't think I've truly experienced such heart ache as I have losing her...and people say at least you got one, yes and she's a blessing and we're so grateful, but there was supposed to be two. 

Until next time y'all. 

Xoxo -Kate

This is my life

I'd like to begin this blog by telling you about myself. So here it goes... (on a side note this is not going to be completely perfect)
My name is Katelyn, I'm 20 years old I live in Phoenix AZ with my awesome boyfriend Jason, our beautiful daughter Azalia, our lovely roommate Matt (whom I'm sure I'll write about) and two dogs Marley and Baker.
On the 15th of September 2014 we gave birth to two beautiful girls Azalia and Teagan. I'll bet you looked at that sentence twice if you read the paragraph preceding it, so I'll be sure to explain in the next post.
I'd like to apologize if this blog is somewhat sporadic, I feel that word among a few others explains my life right now.
In my blog I will be discussing a broad amount of things one being God, if this offends you please feel free to find another blog to read.

With all that being said I hope y'all enjoy my blog
Xoxo Kate.